MADE by: Jasmine Browley
I love CHEEZ-ITs. Those delicious, cheesy pieces of pure delight make my mouth sing and I don’t care who knows it. I would replace every meal with them if I was a little more comfortable with having high cholesterol and low self esteem. I eat them so often, I found myself spending an embarrassing amount of money, time and gas traveling to my grocery store to get them, so I stepped away from my ‘snack bae’ for a more affordable and convenient alternative: Cheddar Squarez, from my job’s vending machine. Everything started off swimmingly! I had access to my (almost) favorite snack anytime I wanted at a fraction of the cost. That is, until one day I realized they left an after-taste in my mouth. And the ‘cheese’ (I’m playing it fast and loose with this term) left stains on my fingers long after I licked them. Not to mention the little b–tards were making me fat! The convenience, non-commitment and cost effectiveness just wasn’t worth it anymore.
Many of us have dealt with the Cheddar Squarez of relationships, otherwise known as, ‘situationships.’ The pseudo-relationship masking itself as the real thing, but it’s not and probably never will be. Initially they’re great, right? Fun, cheap, mysterious, easy. But as time goes by, the ambiguity raises a s–t ton of questions that you’re too afraid to demand answers for. You’re not alone, believe me. I’ve listed a few of the FAQ below:
1. Why don’t I know what to refer to you as?
Of course, the first cardinal rule of a ‘situationship’ is that there are no traditional relationship titles assigned to either party sooo… what am I supposed to call you? My boo? My woe? My gentle(wo)man caller?
2. Why don’t I know what you look like in the daylight?
Majority of the time, SCS (situationship central station) is ‘the crib,’ or less colloquially speaking, the home, preferably at night, when it’s most convenient. In fact, the most pressing question you actually allow yourself to ask him/her is “your place or mine?”
3. Why haven’t our friends intentionally met each other?
Unless you and your Cheddar Square started off as friends and ventured into that dangerous ‘friends with benefits’ territory, chances are you all haven’t set up a time to hang out with each other’s inner circle. Why? Because there’s no use in introducing a temporary entity in your life to the permanent ones.
4. Why aren’t I ever your #WCW/#MCM?
There’s no trace of you anywhere on their social media. Heck, they probably didn’t even tell you what their handles are.
5. Why don’t I know what your telephone voice sounds like?
Your main form of communication is either an emoji, one-word responses to texts and/or the occasional lusty photo. However, neither picks up the phone to call unless it’s to say “I’m outside.”
6. Why do my co-workers/neighbors/mailman know more about my life than you do?
After months of ‘dating’ or whatever non-term you’re calling your situation, you barely know anything about your Cheddar Square other than what’s revealed during the post-coital pillow talk.
Disclaimer: Situationships can be great for those that are completely honest with themselves and their Cheddar Square, so take the above statements with a grain of salt. However, if you’ve found yourself asking the aforementioned questions, it may be time to verbalize them to your partner and brace yourself for some tough answers.